It just doesn't seem fair that you expect so much out of me and I bend over backwards to do what's asked of me and I still get pushed aside. I can't do it.

God, strip away my selfishness and cloth me in humility and righteousness. I pray I seek You over everything else in this world and that I would glorify You.

How dare I?

How dare I complain about anything in my life? Shame on me. Yes, I've had some hardships but I'm blessed beyond measure and have a house. I realized this while talking with a friend who's family has been going through some stuff. We started talking about priorities and I made mention of the Philippines and then it hit me like a brick wall. I complain all the time about things in my life but they have nothing and are far more joyful than I. That's just sad.

As I sit here realizing this, it makes me ponder; am I working towards the wrong goal? To make an album would be great, but why am I wanting to do it; to help others or to help myself? Is it to glorify my Father or is it for vainglory? Sadly, I don't know anymore.

Most people don't know; I'm a daydreamer. I think about any and every scenario for every situation that arises, whether it pans out or not. I think this has been a danger to me. Always focusing on what will happen with my future but not realizing that I'm not working towards the goal; to show Christ's love.

I wish I could say that I was, but I realized, I'm not. I think it's time to break out "Crazy Love" again and read it from cover to cover. I can feel I need it. I actually started up my devotions today for the first time in months. I'm not bragging, I'm saying this for accountability. I need to get involved in a way to help others at all times. THIS brings me true joy. I've never been happier than when I was working towards the goal and I remember it vividly. It was in the Philippines that I experienced this and miss this. I realize that I can fulfill this anywhere, but where do I start? I need some guidance, God.

Seek TRUTH.

I'm ready, I'm ready!

I don't want to be here anymore. I really want to be in Springfield, working towards the goal, but alas, it hasn't happened yet. I have been patient and I'm so tired of waiting for it to happen. I'm ready to go and get this show on the road. I've been waiting for years and it's almost within my grasp but not quite. Darn my impatience.

The fact that I'm falling apart seems to hold no meaning to you and the well being of a son Who's done everything not to hurt you means nothing, does it?

3 Months

I really wish that life wasn't playing out the way it was, in some ways. This is an exciting time in so many ways but the pain won't subside and is making it bittersweet. I just... miss you. I miss YOU; not who you pretended to be or the person you wanted people to think you were. I miss the real you; the one who cared about us. The days are growing closer and it's making it harder. I put up a front and say I'm fine, which most days I am, but not today. Today is particularly hard.

It's kind of sad, in a way. I feel as though I've forgotten almost everything about you; what you look like, your laugh, but I can't forget your old heart. It was one of pure beauty and it's diminished into something so dark and ominous. I love you no matter what, but this is almost getting too hard to handle. It's been almost 3 months; 3 MONTHS. Feels so long but not at all, at the same time.

I just miss you...

Why do we strive to be accepted by fellow peers? I do this a lot now and it's funny, because I had reached a point where I really didn't care what people thought of me, but for some reason, I've been feeling it seep back into my life, as of recently. Why am I not fighting it? It honestly doesn't matter what someone thinks about me but I always let it get to me. I think it's because, when it happens with people you respect and they really don't like you at all, it hurts you. My head knows it doesn't matter but my heart? Well, that's a different story and for some reason, my heart is blocking out this knowledge and not letting it take effect.

I guess I'm paranoid to an extent. I always fear the worst with people. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this. I'm sure it's linked to insecurity at the very core of everything. Despite what it seems, I'm very insecure. I don't know why that is. Maybe it stems from other things in my life that went awry (and thinking about it, that actually makes perfect sense) and I haven't allowed myself to deal with or get over fully. As of lately; life just doesn't seem fair, and I know no one ever said it was fair or that it'd be easy, but more often than not; I feel the world weighing me down inch by inch.

I know I'm supposed to look at myself through the eyes of my Father; but it still baffles me that even He wants me. I'm nothing special and I've messed up so many times but He still wants me? Again, I know this but something in me doesn't let it seep down into my being.

Pray that I'd seek out God's word and follow Him...

"For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and He knows everything." - I John 3:20 ESV

The verses following this state that if your heart does not condemn you, than you have confidence before God. I wish I could I have confidence before God, but I think that'd be a lie.

Anyways, on a bit of a happier note; I'm meeting with Jeremy Larson today at 5 to discuss recording. Pray it goes well. I should get ready.

Seek TRUTH...