Why do we strive to be accepted by fellow peers? I do this a lot now and it's funny, because I had reached a point where I really didn't care what people thought of me, but for some reason, I've been feeling it seep back into my life, as of recently. Why am I not fighting it? It honestly doesn't matter what someone thinks about me but I always let it get to me. I think it's because, when it happens with people you respect and they really don't like you at all, it hurts you. My head knows it doesn't matter but my heart? Well, that's a different story and for some reason, my heart is blocking out this knowledge and not letting it take effect.
I guess I'm paranoid to an extent. I always fear the worst with people. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this. I'm sure it's linked to insecurity at the very core of everything. Despite what it seems, I'm very insecure. I don't know why that is. Maybe it stems from other things in my life that went awry (and thinking about it, that actually makes perfect sense) and I haven't allowed myself to deal with or get over fully. As of lately; life just doesn't seem fair, and I know no one ever said it was fair or that it'd be easy, but more often than not; I feel the world weighing me down inch by inch.
I know I'm supposed to look at myself through the eyes of my Father; but it still baffles me that even He wants me. I'm nothing special and I've messed up so many times but He still wants me? Again, I know this but something in me doesn't let it seep down into my being.
Pray that I'd seek out God's word and follow Him...
The verses following this state that if your heart does not condemn you, than you have confidence before God. I wish I could I have confidence before God, but I think that'd be a lie.
Anyways, on a bit of a happier note; I'm meeting with Jeremy Larson today at 5 to discuss recording. Pray it goes well. I should get ready.
Seek TRUTH...
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
We Get Back Up Again
A lot of (horrible) things have been happening with my family and it's tough, honestly. It doesn't seem fair that my parents have to endure what their kids place on them. In all honesty, I've been hurting. Being burned by a sibling is about the hardest thing I've had to go through and now it's back again. I'm not even that angry at you nor do I hate you; I'm just so very hurt and so very sad that you've chosen this path. It will bring nothing but destruction; just like it did last time. I miss you terribly but you're the prodigal. When you return; I'll be here with open arms.
So, these things that have been happening with my family have only been fueling my passion to record. Particularly, "Fire Away", which is about what this post is about. It's one of the hardest songs for me to play but one that I want to play the most. It hurts but in a healing manner and feeds this fire that I have for making music.
Speaking of which, I'm not sure if I should be sharing this yet since I don't know the outcome, but I'm meeting with an incredible man, one who's music I completely respect; maybe more so than any other person's stuff. He's incredibly talented and we're going to be grabbing some coffee tomorrow or Tuesday. He was blessed with amazing talent and to even meet with him is such an honor. We're going to be talking about me, possibly, recording and collaborating with him in the future. There's no one on this earth that I trust with my music other than my brother but I'm placing Jeremy Larson on that list. I know that only great things would come from working with him and it's quite exciting.
I've been praying that God lead in this because I want this very badly and I'm slightly stubborn. So I've been praying that if this isn't what He wants, that He close the door, harshly or nicely, it doesn't matter, but that if this is God's will; that He will work it out and that I would follow Him and have no fear. I've been praying that, no matter the outcome. I will be content and okay with it. I won't lie, I hated praying that but I meant every word of it. Even writing it hurts because I'm feel like I'm setting myself up to be torn away from music and there's nothing more in this world that I want to do but make music for His glory.
I would ask that you pray for me over the next few days. It's been hard going into stages of, even actually talking about, recording without my sister here. She inspired me in so many ways and was a huge supporter of my music and it's hard to go into this knowing that she wants nothing to do with my family anymore. She didn't like the genre in which I wrote my stuff but she loved my stuff and it sucks that she chose to leave that. It makes it harder to want to record and weakens me.
However, I was created with a purpose and I can't not do what God's called me to do because my sister burned me. I have to move forward; I have to keep on keeping on. As much as it hurts, I have to push forward. All I want to do is glorify my Savior and shine a light in this dark, dark world. There aren't many lights shining these days in America and I don't want to fall into that category. I want to be found faithful and holy and righteous. I have to press on for His kingdom is at hand.
I desire to be that man; the one who follows God no matter the circumstance. I can't say that I'm him yet, as mush as I want to be. I know this is because I don't always have true faith because I find it hard. I've dealt with many things in this life and I'm dealing with some of them again but the one thing I keep having to remind myself of is that God didn't make it happen, we chose this and now suffer the consequences. There are so many things I want to talk about and share but I don't think I truly have the ability to yet, because I haven't overcome what God saved me from.
I know it's my fault and only mine. I haven't let Him heal me. Why you ask? I... don't know. Maybe I'm an addict and have to have something to lean on or to be my comfort blanket when all seems to be going wrong, but I chose this? Why would I choose something so horrendous and destructive? I can't do it anymore, God. Take it and help me to see You when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Help me to strive and become a man after Your own heart. Help me to dig into Your word and to find solace in You and no one or nothing else. This is my desire; to be used by You.
Seek TRUTH...
So, these things that have been happening with my family have only been fueling my passion to record. Particularly, "Fire Away", which is about what this post is about. It's one of the hardest songs for me to play but one that I want to play the most. It hurts but in a healing manner and feeds this fire that I have for making music.
Speaking of which, I'm not sure if I should be sharing this yet since I don't know the outcome, but I'm meeting with an incredible man, one who's music I completely respect; maybe more so than any other person's stuff. He's incredibly talented and we're going to be grabbing some coffee tomorrow or Tuesday. He was blessed with amazing talent and to even meet with him is such an honor. We're going to be talking about me, possibly, recording and collaborating with him in the future. There's no one on this earth that I trust with my music other than my brother but I'm placing Jeremy Larson on that list. I know that only great things would come from working with him and it's quite exciting.
I've been praying that God lead in this because I want this very badly and I'm slightly stubborn. So I've been praying that if this isn't what He wants, that He close the door, harshly or nicely, it doesn't matter, but that if this is God's will; that He will work it out and that I would follow Him and have no fear. I've been praying that, no matter the outcome. I will be content and okay with it. I won't lie, I hated praying that but I meant every word of it. Even writing it hurts because I'm feel like I'm setting myself up to be torn away from music and there's nothing more in this world that I want to do but make music for His glory.
I would ask that you pray for me over the next few days. It's been hard going into stages of, even actually talking about, recording without my sister here. She inspired me in so many ways and was a huge supporter of my music and it's hard to go into this knowing that she wants nothing to do with my family anymore. She didn't like the genre in which I wrote my stuff but she loved my stuff and it sucks that she chose to leave that. It makes it harder to want to record and weakens me.
However, I was created with a purpose and I can't not do what God's called me to do because my sister burned me. I have to move forward; I have to keep on keeping on. As much as it hurts, I have to push forward. All I want to do is glorify my Savior and shine a light in this dark, dark world. There aren't many lights shining these days in America and I don't want to fall into that category. I want to be found faithful and holy and righteous. I have to press on for His kingdom is at hand.
I desire to be that man; the one who follows God no matter the circumstance. I can't say that I'm him yet, as mush as I want to be. I know this is because I don't always have true faith because I find it hard. I've dealt with many things in this life and I'm dealing with some of them again but the one thing I keep having to remind myself of is that God didn't make it happen, we chose this and now suffer the consequences. There are so many things I want to talk about and share but I don't think I truly have the ability to yet, because I haven't overcome what God saved me from.
I know it's my fault and only mine. I haven't let Him heal me. Why you ask? I... don't know. Maybe I'm an addict and have to have something to lean on or to be my comfort blanket when all seems to be going wrong, but I chose this? Why would I choose something so horrendous and destructive? I can't do it anymore, God. Take it and help me to see You when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Help me to strive and become a man after Your own heart. Help me to dig into Your word and to find solace in You and no one or nothing else. This is my desire; to be used by You.
Seek TRUTH...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)