It just doesn't seem fair that you expect so much out of me and I bend over backwards to do what's asked of me and I still get pushed aside. I can't do it.

God, strip away my selfishness and cloth me in humility and righteousness. I pray I seek You over everything else in this world and that I would glorify You.

How dare I?

How dare I complain about anything in my life? Shame on me. Yes, I've had some hardships but I'm blessed beyond measure and have a house. I realized this while talking with a friend who's family has been going through some stuff. We started talking about priorities and I made mention of the Philippines and then it hit me like a brick wall. I complain all the time about things in my life but they have nothing and are far more joyful than I. That's just sad.

As I sit here realizing this, it makes me ponder; am I working towards the wrong goal? To make an album would be great, but why am I wanting to do it; to help others or to help myself? Is it to glorify my Father or is it for vainglory? Sadly, I don't know anymore.

Most people don't know; I'm a daydreamer. I think about any and every scenario for every situation that arises, whether it pans out or not. I think this has been a danger to me. Always focusing on what will happen with my future but not realizing that I'm not working towards the goal; to show Christ's love.

I wish I could say that I was, but I realized, I'm not. I think it's time to break out "Crazy Love" again and read it from cover to cover. I can feel I need it. I actually started up my devotions today for the first time in months. I'm not bragging, I'm saying this for accountability. I need to get involved in a way to help others at all times. THIS brings me true joy. I've never been happier than when I was working towards the goal and I remember it vividly. It was in the Philippines that I experienced this and miss this. I realize that I can fulfill this anywhere, but where do I start? I need some guidance, God.

Seek TRUTH.

I'm ready, I'm ready!

I don't want to be here anymore. I really want to be in Springfield, working towards the goal, but alas, it hasn't happened yet. I have been patient and I'm so tired of waiting for it to happen. I'm ready to go and get this show on the road. I've been waiting for years and it's almost within my grasp but not quite. Darn my impatience.

The fact that I'm falling apart seems to hold no meaning to you and the well being of a son Who's done everything not to hurt you means nothing, does it?

3 Months

I really wish that life wasn't playing out the way it was, in some ways. This is an exciting time in so many ways but the pain won't subside and is making it bittersweet. I just... miss you. I miss YOU; not who you pretended to be or the person you wanted people to think you were. I miss the real you; the one who cared about us. The days are growing closer and it's making it harder. I put up a front and say I'm fine, which most days I am, but not today. Today is particularly hard.

It's kind of sad, in a way. I feel as though I've forgotten almost everything about you; what you look like, your laugh, but I can't forget your old heart. It was one of pure beauty and it's diminished into something so dark and ominous. I love you no matter what, but this is almost getting too hard to handle. It's been almost 3 months; 3 MONTHS. Feels so long but not at all, at the same time.

I just miss you...

Why do we strive to be accepted by fellow peers? I do this a lot now and it's funny, because I had reached a point where I really didn't care what people thought of me, but for some reason, I've been feeling it seep back into my life, as of recently. Why am I not fighting it? It honestly doesn't matter what someone thinks about me but I always let it get to me. I think it's because, when it happens with people you respect and they really don't like you at all, it hurts you. My head knows it doesn't matter but my heart? Well, that's a different story and for some reason, my heart is blocking out this knowledge and not letting it take effect.

I guess I'm paranoid to an extent. I always fear the worst with people. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this. I'm sure it's linked to insecurity at the very core of everything. Despite what it seems, I'm very insecure. I don't know why that is. Maybe it stems from other things in my life that went awry (and thinking about it, that actually makes perfect sense) and I haven't allowed myself to deal with or get over fully. As of lately; life just doesn't seem fair, and I know no one ever said it was fair or that it'd be easy, but more often than not; I feel the world weighing me down inch by inch.

I know I'm supposed to look at myself through the eyes of my Father; but it still baffles me that even He wants me. I'm nothing special and I've messed up so many times but He still wants me? Again, I know this but something in me doesn't let it seep down into my being.

Pray that I'd seek out God's word and follow Him...

"For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and He knows everything." - I John 3:20 ESV

The verses following this state that if your heart does not condemn you, than you have confidence before God. I wish I could I have confidence before God, but I think that'd be a lie.

Anyways, on a bit of a happier note; I'm meeting with Jeremy Larson today at 5 to discuss recording. Pray it goes well. I should get ready.

Seek TRUTH...

We Get Back Up Again

A lot of (horrible) things have been happening with my family and it's tough, honestly. It doesn't seem fair that my parents have to endure what their kids place on them. In all honesty, I've been hurting. Being burned by a sibling is about the hardest thing I've had to go through and now it's back again. I'm not even that angry at you nor do I hate you; I'm just so very hurt and so very sad that you've chosen this path. It will bring nothing but destruction; just like it did last time. I miss you terribly but you're the prodigal. When you return; I'll be here with open arms.

So, these things that have been happening with my family have only been fueling my passion to record. Particularly, "Fire Away", which is about what this post is about. It's one of the hardest songs for me to play but one that I want to play the most. It hurts but in a healing manner and feeds this fire that I have for making music.

Speaking of which, I'm not sure if I should be sharing this yet since I don't know the outcome, but I'm meeting with an incredible man, one who's music I completely respect; maybe more so than any other person's stuff. He's incredibly talented and we're going to be grabbing some coffee tomorrow or Tuesday. He was blessed with amazing talent and to even meet with him is such an honor. We're going to be talking about me, possibly, recording and collaborating with him in the future. There's no one on this earth that I trust with my music other than my brother but I'm placing Jeremy Larson on that list. I know that only great things would come from working with him and it's quite exciting.

I've been praying that God lead in this because I want this very badly and I'm slightly stubborn. So I've been praying that if this isn't what He wants, that He close the door, harshly or nicely, it doesn't matter, but that if this is God's will; that He will work it out and that I would follow Him and have no fear. I've been praying that, no matter the outcome. I will be content and okay with it. I won't lie, I hated praying that but I meant every word of it. Even writing it hurts because I'm feel like I'm setting myself up to be torn away from music and there's nothing more in this world that I want to do but make music for His glory.

I would ask that you pray for me over the next few days. It's been hard going into stages of, even actually talking about, recording without my sister here. She inspired me in so many ways and was a huge supporter of my music and it's hard to go into this knowing that she wants nothing to do with my family anymore. She didn't like the genre in which I wrote my stuff but she loved my stuff and it sucks that she chose to leave that. It makes it harder to want to record and weakens me.

However, I was created with a purpose and I can't not do what God's called me to do because my sister burned me. I have to move forward; I have to keep on keeping on. As much as it hurts, I have to push forward. All I want to do is glorify my Savior and shine a light in this dark, dark world. There aren't many lights shining these days in America and I don't want to fall into that category. I want to be found faithful and holy and righteous. I have to press on for His kingdom is at hand.

I desire to be that man; the one who follows God no matter the circumstance. I can't say that I'm him yet, as mush as I want to be. I know this is because I don't always have true faith because I find it hard. I've dealt with many things in this life and I'm dealing with some of them again but the one thing I keep having to remind myself of is that God didn't make it happen, we chose this and now suffer the consequences. There are so many things I want to talk about and share but I don't think I truly have the ability to yet, because I haven't overcome what God saved me from.

I know it's my fault and only mine. I haven't let Him heal me. Why you ask? I... don't know. Maybe I'm an addict and have to have something to lean on or to be my comfort blanket when all seems to be going wrong, but I chose this? Why would I choose something so horrendous and destructive? I can't do it anymore, God. Take it and help me to see You when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Help me to strive and become a man after Your own heart. Help me to dig into Your word and to find solace in You and no one or nothing else. This is my desire; to be used by You.

Seek TRUTH...

Recent Photos

So, one of my good friends is recording an album at the moment and has (finally!) come up with a name for it and seeing that I did the photo shoot with her and have been waiting for the name so I could start work on an actual album cover for it. Here are just some ideas. I'm gonna take another stab at some other photos I got from that shoot and we're also going to do another photo shoot to give us more variety. I can't wait to post up the finished results for it once I'm done with it. These are just some first takes of ideas with the actual album title.

And now we come to winter time! One of my most favorite times of the year because it's so pretty. I just love taking photos of snow and living in a small town only helps because it adds a very country/vintage feel. We still have cobblestone roads down our main street. It's pretty amazing. Here are quite a few of the most recent pictures I've taken. I took a few pictures of my mom's winter figurines and gave them back stories on facebook. I have nothing better to do with my time since I'm jobless, I guess, so why not?

Also, I'm going to go ahead and post a link to a cover I did of Christie Dupree's "Sunday Morning". I love this song and so I decided to cover it...

http://www.soundcloud.com/anders-ross/sunday-morning/

So sorry...

I kind of forgot about this magical place, even though I have no followers so I'm apologizing to no one. Anyways, if someone reads this, I will be taking a ton of new pictures with my new Nikon D3000 and hopefully I can make just a creative space, instead of blogs dedicated to each thing that I love to do.

So, with that in mind, I've been working on getting stuff for recording together. I have a list of songs that I'm going to bring with me to get done. One of them is the most recent song I wrote but it really has taken a life that I never saw it taking and revamped my passion for what I'm doing in life. The music to the song is all thanks to my brother.

I'm not sure what I'm going to call it yet, but "Body Snatcher" seems to be the title I keep coming back to. Also, one of my friends, who is an amazing artist, will be doing the cover for whatever I release, whether it be an LP or EP. I have a pretty nifty idea for the cover depending on which route I go.

If I release an EP, I will end up releasing a few, 2-3 perhaps, and will have each cover be simple drawings placed in proper places on each one, so that when I release an album, I will overlay them on top of each other to make a bigger picture. I will probably ask to have a 4th, separate drawing to add more to it to make it a finished cover. The idea was inspired by making sure I'm keeping myself focused on the bigger picture, even though, all we can see at the moment is what's in front of us.

I'm not positive, but I can't let go of this idea and for the album, when it's finished and ready to romp and roar out of my life, I think I want to call it "See". It's such a short title but encompasses so much in just three letters. I had thought about "Bigger Picture" or "Look" but they didn't have the same meaning to me. When you look at something, you're not always giving your full attention to it, but when you see, it means you get a better understanding of it and sort of come to a realization. I feel like I'm talking about it as if it's already recorded and ready to go.

It's not even in the beginning stages, which I'm okay with for now, no matter how badly I want to start recording. I know I have to wait on God's timing and I'm good with that. I gave Him my life, so He gets to choose when it happens, it's kind of a package deal. So while I wait on that, I'm going to try and start doing photography and maybe even start selling it, if it's good enough to.

Anyways, when I start recording, I'm going to try and get clips and stuff up. I really want to document this journey, even if this road only goes into a dead end, I would like to have this to be able to recap on it and what went down. Here is the list of songs I'm taking with me into the studio ...I'll end up adding and subtracting some from the list, too. I can almost guarantee it.

Intro/On Marching Day

Fire Away

God, Keep Us Safe

Let Me Drive

I'm Yours

Fingerprints

See Me

Without You

Stay with Me

Just Believe

So Long

Where are You?

Save You

Shining Tears

Prodigal

Brings You Down (Hotel)

Body Snatcher

These are the songs I deem most worthy to record and really want to hear final versions of all of them, even though, I know some won't make it, unless I decide to make a crazy long album ("Body Snatcher" is over 6 minutes long just by itself). I know I'm gonna be a tid bit sad to see some of the songs fall off the recording wagon along the way, but if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. I'm actually road tripping to Springfield next week and will be going over the tracklist I have so far and how well the songs flow together. So, at some point in the next few weeks, I'm sure a few songs will be cut.

I know you won't care since you've never heard any of them, but I can honestly say, I'm so proud of each song on that list and really want to share them with you. Some of these songs come from very dark places and a few of them really take on that tone. I've learned some hard life lessons in my 21 years of life and I've had to deal with situations I never wanted to or thought I'd have to, a few of those situations I've had to deal with twice or more. I just want to be honest when I write. I know it'll open me up for criticism but honestly, I've dealt with things far worse than people talking about me and how I'm putting my heart on my sleeves. I know I can take it.

There are some songs in this list that I don't want to share just yet because the scars are still somewhat fresh and I feel like it might allow people to perhaps, dig their claws into. I'm not talking about criticizing here, I mean, wanting to know the story behind certain songs that I'm not sure I'm ready to give an answer for. Not in a bad way against anyone, but talking about some of this stuff only rips the bandage off for the wound to be exposed again. However, I know I'm supposed to do a few of these songs because they keep me accountable on not letting my happiness fall on man, but on God's grace and love for me.

There's a song or two that really steps on the toes of Christians. I'm not targeting everyone else, this was a blow to myself. I had to write this song in order for me to realize that I can't hold myself any higher than anyone else and that we all have problems so I can't judge someone on things they're doing, just because you can see their faults, while I hide all of my faults away and play a role of somebody I'm not, as much as I want to be that person.

I'm really sorry for this being so long and if anyone reads this and has read thus far, just know I appreciate it. That's all for now seeing as it's past 3 am.

Seek Truth.

APR